resilient hope

emotions:
hate. hate. hate. hate. hate.

I guess this is normal- leaving to study abroad in less than a week but i feel so separated from all my friends who've been back at school w/out me for two weeks. Suddenly this whole "extra time off" thing isn't so glorious. So it's natural to feel a bit left out, even if I'm the one doing the leaving.

Ah! True of life. Just talked to my ex, who isn't coping with coming back home and being "just friends" so well. That's exactly it! Revealing any depth of self or personality is...vulnerable. Vulnerability f*ing hurts, because it doesn't last. Leaving is a necessary part of life, strength is just learning to open up to people even when you know it will hurt to leave. [but is leaving really all that necessary? resisting leaving is a pretty dominant theme of my life]

So I'm striving to develop resilient hope, a hope in that true vulnerable humanity in all of us that consists of accumulated human experience and culminates in the moment--each waking moment one is aware of life and chooses to see what they want in their world. I'll choose hope in being real, fully present, and committed to seeing the best [or the potential] in the world and the people I encounter.

If every experience in my life thus far portrays me as a nomad, this is woven into my personality. I crave the ideal and the new, I choose a life of travel and exploration of people--getting to know them, what drives them, what forms their paradigm. I'll admit, I'm terrible at maintaining friendships, but I at least hope to be a positive encounter to everyone I've known and loved.

This is a bit cheesy, even a bit contrived, but it gives me purpose and focus, that's enough for now.