resilient hope

emotions:
hate. hate. hate. hate. hate.

I guess this is normal- leaving to study abroad in less than a week but i feel so separated from all my friends who've been back at school w/out me for two weeks. Suddenly this whole "extra time off" thing isn't so glorious. So it's natural to feel a bit left out, even if I'm the one doing the leaving.

Ah! True of life. Just talked to my ex, who isn't coping with coming back home and being "just friends" so well. That's exactly it! Revealing any depth of self or personality is...vulnerable. Vulnerability f*ing hurts, because it doesn't last. Leaving is a necessary part of life, strength is just learning to open up to people even when you know it will hurt to leave. [but is leaving really all that necessary? resisting leaving is a pretty dominant theme of my life]

So I'm striving to develop resilient hope, a hope in that true vulnerable humanity in all of us that consists of accumulated human experience and culminates in the moment--each waking moment one is aware of life and chooses to see what they want in their world. I'll choose hope in being real, fully present, and committed to seeing the best [or the potential] in the world and the people I encounter.

If every experience in my life thus far portrays me as a nomad, this is woven into my personality. I crave the ideal and the new, I choose a life of travel and exploration of people--getting to know them, what drives them, what forms their paradigm. I'll admit, I'm terrible at maintaining friendships, but I at least hope to be a positive encounter to everyone I've known and loved.

This is a bit cheesy, even a bit contrived, but it gives me purpose and focus, that's enough for now.

focus!

I've visited this blog every now and again, posting about whatever happens to be on my mind, but in the true spirit of 2010 and ridiculous resolutions, here are some topics I'm passionate about, read about fairly often, and ought to post about soon:

Writing - especially poetry and lyrics
God's plans and purposes on earth
Backpacking Europe
Russian language and culture
Design
Architecture
Healthy eating and living
Indie-folk music
String instruments

melt.

Jenny Lewis is so subtle but cuts deep into the root of things and illuminates little places I like to hide away in. For this, I love her raspy sweet voice. Her songs with Rilo Kiley are catchy and amazing (ahem Silver Lining), but solo work suits her fully exposed brutally crisp style so well. love it!

Jenny Lewis
Melt Your Heart

Nothing is ever as good as it was
And what's good for your soul will be bad on your nerves
If you reverse it

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good for bad
It's like a valentine from your mother
It's bound to melt your heart

And we've lost the people we could've loved in you
What you know you have or what you think you want
It's never perfect

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good for bad
It's like a valentine from your mother
It's bound to melt your heart

Are we killing time?
Are we killing each other?

When you're kissing someone who's too much like you
It's like kissing on the mirror
When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you
You're going to hate yourself in the morning

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good for bad
It's like a valentine from your mother
It's bound to melt your heart